Web
and Book design,
Copyright, Kellscraft Studio 1999-2015 (Return to Web Text-ures) |
(HOME)
|
XII MR. MUNCHAUSEN MEETS HIS MATCH (Reported by Henry W. Ananias for the Gehenna Gazette.) When Mr. Munchausen, accompanied by Ananias
and Sapphira, after a long and tedious journey from Cimmeria to the cool and
wooded heights of the Blue Sulphur Mountains, entered the portals of the hotel
where the greater part of his summers are spent, the first person to greet him was
Beelzebub Sandboy, — the curly-headed
Imp who acted as "Head Front" of the Blue Sulphur Mountain House, his
eyes a-twinkle and his swift running feet as ever ready for a trip to any part
of the hostelry and back. Beelzy, as the Imp was familiarly known, as the party
entered, was in the act of carrying a half-dozen pitchers of iced-water upstairs
to supply thirsty guests with the one thing needful and best to quench that thirst,
and in his excitement at catching sight once again of his ancient friend the
Baron, managed to drop two of the pitchers with a loud crash upon the office
floor. This, however, was not noticed by the powers that ruled. Beelzy was not
perfect, and as long as he smashed less than six pitchers a day on an average
the management was disposed not to complain. "There goes my friend
Beelzy," said the Baron, as the pitchers fell. "I am delighted to see
him. I was afraid he would not be here this year since I understand he has
taken up the study of theology." "Theology?" cried
Ananias. "In Hades?" "How foolish,"
said Sapphira. "We don't need preachers here." "He'd make an
excellent one," said Mr. Munchausen. "He is a lad of wide experience
and his fish and bear stories are wonderful. If he can make them gee, as he
would put it, with his doctrines he would prove a tremendous success. Thousands
would flock to hear him for his bear stories alone. As for the foolishness of
his choice, I think it is a very wise one. Everybody can't be a stoker, you
know." At any rate, whatever the
reasons for Beelzebub's presence, whether he had given up the study of theology
or not, there he was plying his old vocation with the same perfection of
carelessness as of yore, and apparently no farther along in the study of
theology than he was the year before when he bade Mr. Munchausen "good-bye
forever" with the statement that now that he was going to lead a pious
life the chances were he'd never meet his friend again. "I don't see why they
keep such a careless boy as that," said Sapphira, as Beelzy at the first
landing turned to grin at Mr. Munchausen, emptying the contents of one of his
pitchers into the lap of a nervous old gentleman in the office below. "He adds an element of
excitement to a not over-exciting place," explained Mr. Munchausen.
"On stormy days here the men make bets on what fool thing Beelzy will do
next. He blacked all the russet shoes with stove polish one year, and last
season in the rush of his daily labours he filled up the water-cooler with soft
coal instead of ice. He's a great bell-boy, is my friend Beelzy." A little while later when
Mr. Munchausen and his party had been shown to their suite, Beelzy appeared in
their drawing-room and was warmly greeted by Mr. Munchausen, who introduced him
to Mr. and Mrs. Ananias. "Well," said Mr.
Munchausen, "you're here again, are you?" "No, indeed,"
said Beelzy. "I ain't here this year. I'm over at the Coal-Yards
shovellin' snow. I'm my twin brother that died three years before I was
born." "How
interesting," said Sapphira, looking at the boy through her lorgnette. Beelzy bowed in response to
the compliment and observed to the Baron: "You ain't here
yourself this season, be ye?" "No," said Mr.
Munchausen, drily. "I've gone abroad. You've given up theology I
presume?" "Sorter," said
Beelzy. "It was lonesome business and I hadn't been at it more'n twenty
minutes when I realised that bein' a missionary ain't all jam and buckwheats.
It's kind o' dangerous too, and as I didn't exactly relish the idea o' bein' et
up by Samoans an' Feejees I made up my mind to give it up an' stick to
bell-boyin' for another season any how; but I'll see you later, Mr. Munchausen.
I've got to hurry along with this iced-water. It's overdue now, and we've got the
kickinest lot o' folks here this year you ever see. One man here the other
night got as mad as hookey because it took forty minutes to soft bile an egg.
Said two minutes was all that was necessary to bile an egg softer'n mush, not
understanding anything about the science of eggs in a country where hens feeds
on pebbles." "Pebbles?" cried
Mr. Munchausen. "What, do they lay Roc's eggs?" Beelzy grinned. "No, sir — they lay hen's eggs all right, but
they're as hard as Adam's aunt." "I never heard of
chickens eating pebbles," observed Sapphira with a frown. "Do they
really relish them?" "I don't know,
Ma'am," said Beelzy. "I ain't never been on speakin' terms with the
hens, Ma'am, and they never volunteered no information. They eat 'em just the
same. They've got to eat something and up here on these mountains there ain't
anything but gravel for 'em to eat. That's why they do it. Then when it comes
to the eggs, on a diet like that, cobblestones ain't in it with 'em for
hardness, and when you come to bite 'em it takes a week to get 'em soft, an' a
steam drill to get 'em open — an'
this feller kicked at forty minutes! Most likely he's swearin' around upstairs
now because this iced-water ain't came; and it ain't more than two hours since
he ordered it neither." "What an unreasonable
gentleman," said Sapphira. "Ain't he
though!" said Beelzy. "And he ain't over liberal neither. He's been
here two weeks now and all the money I've got out of him was a five-dollar bill
I found on his bureau yesterday morning. There's more money in theology than
there is in him." With this Beelzebub grabbed
up the pitcher of water, and bounded out of the room like a frightened fawn. He
disappeared into the dark of the corridor, and a few moments later was
evidently tumbling head over heels up stairs, if the sounds that greeted the
ears of the party in the drawing-room meant anything. The next morning when there
was more leisure for Beelzy the Baron inquired as to the state of his health. "Oh it's been pretty
good," said he. "Pretty good. I'm all right now, barrin' a little
gout in my right foot, and ice-water on my knee, an' a crick in my back, an' a
tired feelin' all over me generally. Ain't had much to complain about. Had the
measles in December, and the mumps in February; an' along about the middle o'
May the whoopin' cough got a holt of me; but as it saved my life I oughtn't to
kick about that." Here Beelzy looked
gratefully at an invisible something — doubtless
the recollection in the thin air of his departed case of whooping cough, for having
rescued him from an untimely grave. "That is rather
curious, isn't it?" queried Sapphira, gazing intently into the boy's eyes.
"I don't exactly understand how the whooping cough could save anybody's
life, do you, Mr. Munchausen?" "Beelzy, this lady would
have you explain the situation, and I must confess that I am myself somewhat
curious to learn the details of this wonderful rescue," said Mr.
Munchausen. "Well, I must
say," said Beelzy, with a pleased smile at the very great consequence of
his exploit in the lady's eyes, "if I was a-goin' to start out to save
people's lives generally I wouldn't have thought a case o' whoopin' cough would
be of much use savin' a man from drownin', and I'm sure if a feller fell out of
a balloon it wouldn't help him much if he had ninety dozen cases o' whoopin'
cough concealed on his person; but for just so long as I'm the feller that has
to come up here every June, an' shoo the bears out o' the hotel, I ain't never goin'
to be without a spell of whoopin' cough along about that time if I can help it.
I wouldn't have been here now if it hadn't been for it." "You referred just
now," said Sapphira, "to shooing bears out of the hotel. May I
inquire what useful function in the ménage of a hotel a bear-shooer performs?" "What useful
what?" asked Beelzy. "Function — duty — what does the duty of a bear-shooer consist in?" explained
Mr. Munchausen. "Is he a blacksmith who shoes bears instead of
horses?" "He's a
bear-chaser," explained Beelzy, "and I'm it," he added.
"That, Ma'am, is the function of a bear-shooer in the menagerie of a
hotel." Sapphira having expressed
herself as satisfied, Beelzebub continued. "You see this here
house is shut up all winter, and when everybody's gone and left it empty the
bears come down out of the mountains and use it instead of a cave. It's more
cosier and less windier than their dens. So when the last guest has gone, and
all the doors are locked, and the band gone into winter quarters, down come the
bears and take possession. They generally climb through some open window
somewhere. They divide up all the best rooms accordin' to their position in
bear society and settle down to a regular hotel life among themselves." "But what do they feed
upon?" asked Sapphira. "Oh they'll eat
anything when they're hungry," said Beelzy. "Sofa cushions, parlor
rugs, hotel registers — anything they
can fasten their teeth to. Last year they came in through the cupola, burrowin'
down through the snow to get at it, and there they stayed enjoyin' life out o'
reach o' the wind and storm, snug's bugs in rugs. Year before last there must
ha' been a hundred of 'em in the hotel when I got here, but one by one I got
rid of 'em. Some I smoked out with some cigars Mr. Munchausen gave me the
summer before; some I deceived out, gettin' 'em to chase me through the
winders, an' then doublin' back on my tracks an' lockin' 'em out. It was mighty
wearin' work. "Last June there was
twice as many. By actual tab I shooed two hundred and eight bears and a panther
off into the mountains. When the last one as I thought disappeared into the
woods I searched the house from top to bottom to see if there was any more to
be got rid of. Every blessed one of the five hundred rooms I went through, and
not a bear was left that I could see. I can tell you, I was glad, because there
was a partickerly ugly run of 'em this year, an' they gave me a pile o'
trouble. They hadn't found much to eat in the hotel, an' they was disappointed
and cross. As a matter of fact, the only things they found in the place they could
eat was a piano stool and an old hair trunk full o' paper-covered novels, which
don't make a very hearty meal for two hundred and eight bears and a
panther." "I should say
not," said Sapphira, "particularly if the novels were as light as
most of them are nowadays." "I can't say as to
that," said Beelzy. "I ain't got time to read 'em and so I ain't any
judge. But all this time I was sufferin' like hookey with awful spasms of
whoopin' cough. I whooped so hard once it smashed one o' the best echoes in the
place all to flinders, an' of course that made the work twice as harder. So,
naturally, when I found there warn't another bear left in the hotel, I just
threw myself down anywhere, and slept. My! how I slept. I don't suppose
anything ever slept sounder'n I did. And then it happened." Beelzy gave his trousers a
hitch and let his voice drop to a stage whisper that lent a wondrous
impressiveness to his narration. "As I was a-layin'
there unconscious, dreamin' of home and father, a great big black hungry bruin weighin'
six hundred and forty-three pounds, that had been hidin' in the bread oven in
the bakery, where I hadn't thought of lookin' for him, came saunterin' along,
hummin' a little tune all by himself, and lickin' his chops with delight at the
idee of havin' me raw for his dinner. I lay on unconscious of my danger, until
he got right up close, an' then I waked up, an' openin' my eyes saw this great
black savage thing gloatin' over me an' tears of joy runnin' out of his mouth
as he thought of the choice meal he was about to have. He was sniffin' my bang
when I first caught sight of him." "Mercy!" cried
Sapphira, "I should think you'd have died of fright." "At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell over backwards on the floor." "I did," said
Beelzy, politely, "but I came to life again in a minute. 'Oh Lor!' says I,
as I see how hungry he was. 'This here's the end o' me;' at which the bear
looked me straight in the eye, licked his chops again, and was about to take a
nibble off my right ear when 'Whoop!' I had a spasm of whoopin'. Well, Ma'am, I
guess you know what that means. There ain't nothin' more uncanny, more
terrifyin' in the whole run o' human noises, barrin' a German Opery, than the
whoop o' the whoopin' cough. At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and
fell over backwards onto the floor; at the second he scrambled to his feet and
put for the door, but stopped and looked around hopin' he was mistaken, when I
whooped a third time. The third did the business. That third whoop would have
scared Indians. It was awful. It was like a tornado blowin' through a fog-horn
with a megaphone in front of it. When he heard that, Mr. Bear turned on all
four of his heels and started on a scoot up into the woods that must have
carried him ten miles before I quit coughin'. "An' that's why,
Ma'am, I say that when you've got to shoo bears for a livin', an attack o'
whoopin' cough is a useful thing to have around." Saying which, Beelzy
departed to find Number 433's left boot which he had left at Number 334's door
by some odd mistake. "What do you think of
that, Mr. Munchausen?" asked Sapphira, as Beelzy left the room. "I don't know,"
said Mr. Munchausen, with a sigh. "I'm inclined to think that I am a
trifle envious of him. The rest of us are not in his class." |